Gain a Little? Feeling Discouraged? Never Fear - I Have Just the Theory For You!

So, in case anyone doesn't already know, this is officially Natalie's blog. This means that she gets to do all the "administrative" blog stuff - like decide what goes on her sidebar. When I stopped by to check out the old Skinny Pants blog today, one question immediately popped into my mind.

Where the heck did she find that picture of me sitting at the table waiting to stuff my face with giant cookies? Seriously. Does anyone doubt that the chick in the picture MUST be me? It's so obvious. Natalie, you are amazing.

Speaking of the cookie exchange, the damage results were officially in three days ago. Please don't ask me to divulge the ridiculous incremental increase that showed up on the bathroom scale, because it would be too painful to make it public. There is, however, some good news.

I have another theory. Kind of like the one about fat cells holding their breath when you lose weight, this one concerns itself with gaining weight. You know how people fall off the wagon for a few days, eat till they're sick, and get that bloated/gained-five-plus-pounds feeling? Well, I'm here to tell you that this feeling is nothing more than another sneaky trick of those greedy little fat cells.

Think about it. When the binge is over, and the scale weighs in the disastrous results, what happens? The victim immediately gets depressed over the sudden weight gain, and gets discouraged. And what is it we usually do when discouraged? Give in and eat. This is all part of the sinister fat cells' evil plan, and no girl should ever fall for it again!

Here's the theory. Just like it takes the fat cells a while to actually admit the fat is gone, they can't really soak up new fat that quick either - they just want you to think they did so you'll give up and feed their greedy little selves. In reality (according to my non-professional theory), the surplus of fat and calories you consumed is only floating around the fat cells. The only way they can actually hang onto the new fat, is if you keep feeding them more so that the "extra" is still extra. Does that make sense?

If - instead of giving up and continuing the bad food binge - you recommence the starving-of-the-fat-cells, all that extra will be quickly used up by your body, and the fat cells lose. Oh sure, they might manage to secure a pound or two, but isn't that way better than handing over the total victory of five or ten pounds??? So if you've been bad and the scale confirms it, remember - it's just an illusion. So, instead of giving up and getting discouraged, get determined instead and fight back. Whatever it is you do to keep off weight and/or lose a little, get right back on it! Be super good, don't get on the scale for three days, and when you do you'll see that at least half of what you thought you'd gained isn't really there at all.

I still say that half the battle is mental. To some extent, you really can "think yourself thin" - or fat, depending on what you tell yourself. So if you've been bad this Christmas season, don't give up, and don't give in. Fight back and don't give any ground to those stupid little fat cells waiting to ruin all your plans. And remember, every time you allow yourself to feel discouraged, you give them the edge, so keep positive!

Happy New Year everyone! Good luck with those resolutions!

Such A Loser

Ever since the season finale of The Biggest Loser I have had this errant thought plaguing my brain: I want to audition. I think that idea popped into my head about the same time as my hubby commented, "Wow, some of them turned out really hot. Who knew they could end up looking so good when you saw them before?" It bothered me just a smidgen. I said, "Well, I could look that good too if I had all of the resources they've had. Of course NBC gives them a total makeover so that the results are sensationalized for better TV... They probably wouldn't even look that good if they had lost the same amount of weight at home on their own..." I went on like that for awhile sporadically spewing out defensive excuses for why their improved appearance wasn't anything special (read: anything that I couldn't do.)


Finally, I admitted the truth. I CAN'T do it at home as well as they can on TV. At home, I cheat. I take my sweet time. I make excuses for why I'll binge today and make up for it tomorrow. I can guarantee that if I were stripping down and getting weighed in wearing those pathetically small little outfits on national television I'd be busting my butt a lot harder than I am now. At home, I have to fix food for my family. I think about going out for a walk and then look out the window at the weather and cuddle up with my hubby to watch a movie instead. I could really use the combination of accountability and guidance and competition that The Biggest Loser provides. I started rationalizing how it would be so worth it that I would be okay with "abandoning" my family so I could go to fat camp.

That's when I broke the news to my hubby. I told him that I'd looked it up online and they were auditioning for next season right now and I was sending in a video tape. Do you know what he did? He laughed. That's right, he laughed at me! I guess I should take it as a compliment that he doesn't think I'm fat enough to make the cut, but I was ticked off. How dare he tell me that I don't have the stuff? (The stuff being lard.) He pointed out that you win based on the percentage of weight lost and some of those people are bringing enough weight to make up a whole other person. So, they could lose 50% of themselves. If I lost 50% of myself I would make Mary Kate Olson look chubby, so that's out. He asked me what the point of going through that would be if I didn't have a chance of winning? True Dat. I want to be THEE biggest loser, not one of a bunch of losers.

So, I suppose I won't send my tape in. I suppose that I'm just gonna have to go it alone & start January off with the New Year's resolution to eat less & move more like 75% of America (same ole, same ole...) I was really digging the idea of an all expenses paid trip to fat camp too.

The Dieting Evils of a Seemingly Harmless Christmas Tradition

I went to a cookie exchange the other day. It was fun. Socially speaking. On the trying-to-stay-skinny-through-the-holidays front, however, it was disastrous. Possibly the single most disastrous event in the history of December dieting. Girls like me should never put themselves in the path of such temptation - we should know better.

The idea of a cookie exchange, is rather brilliant. Rather than one woman making dozens and dozens of different kinds of cookies to give away during the holidays, a bunch of women make dozens and dozens of one kind of cookie, go to a party, and exchange cookies. At this particular cookie exchange, we each brought twelve dozen - i.e. one hundred and forty-four individual - cookies.

Which means we each left with twelve dozen - i.e. one hundred and forty-four individual - cookies. To give away. Right.

I swear my intentions are honorable. Really - I always tell myself that this year will be different, and I'll actually give away all those cookies. But then I go to the party and SEE them. And SMELL them. And TASTE them.

Then I start plotting out ways to keep my family from knowing the cookies are in the house so I can eat every single one-hundred-and-forty-fourth one myself. It's like a cookie-eating sickness. And I contract it every year.

This year was bad. The level of badness is directly related to the scrumptiousness of the cookies presented at the cookie exchange. Can I just say that this year there were FOUR different varieties of chocolate peanut butter cookies? And carmelitas - made by two different people, meaning that I took home two dozen of them?

It was seriously way to much to ask of me. I tried to think of someone to give at least some of the cookies away to, but every time I started thinking about it, it was like I had a stupor of thought. The kind of stupor that immediately switched over to thoughts of carmelitas and peanut butter chocolate bars, and how good they were going to taste when I ate them. And then I'd go have a couple. Of each.

Thankfully, I was unable to keep my family in the dark about the cookies, so I was forced to share. For two nights we brought the cookie platter out for dessert, and during both days, I even gave out a few of the ones lower on the I-must-eat-you-or-die list to my cookie-loving children.

I ate the last two cookies for breakfast this morning. Thank goodness they're gone and I can get on with my life - now that all my jeans are suddenly feeling a little bit tighter. Good thing I don't believe my body could possibly have transferred ALL that directly into fat, or I'd be in trouble. I LOOK fatter, and I FEEL fatter, but I'm convinced that if I can just live (primarily) off of the cookie-calories I've stored up for the next few days, I should be fine. It's got to be mostly water weight anyway, right?

And I'm not eating a single Christmas treat of ANY kind until our families actual Christmas dinner. And (aside from issuing a warning against cookie exchanges to all women with zero self control like myself), that is what this post is primarily about. I have now declared to the world that I will abstain from goodies, and so I'll have to do it. And hopefully, if I'm super good, I'll find all that cookie-fat gone the next time I brave the bathroom scale.

Wish me luck!

Help! I'm Drinking Again!

Yesterday, Dustin had the day off and with all of the kids safely off to school we headed out to spend the day in Olympia together. It was such a fabulous day. The kind of day that makes you want to pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming and when you realize that you are in fact awake you begin to dread going home to the "real world" when the kids get off the bus. I absolutely love his days off. I think it's massively important to our marriage to have these times together to just hang out kid free. Simply wandering around shopping and going out to lunch together is so blissful when you do it with the right person. I only have one complaint about yesterday. I'm fairly certain that I fell off the diet bandwagon and drank my entire weeks worth of calories. (Oh, the guilt! Oh, the shame!)

It started out innocently enough (it always does...) As we set out in the foggy, mud-puddley morning Dustin suggested we stop by the espresso stand and get a hot eggnog. I LOVE eggnog and the thought of a warm drink when the moisture in the air makes your bones cold sounded awesome. So, we grabbed our 20 0Z. of eggnog (675 calories chugged by 9:00 AM.) From there, we headed to the mall to do some shopping (Yay!) Only, after a couple of hours of shopping we were kind of thirsty and the smoothie places in the mall were calling our names. I know I should have quenched my thirst with some good old-fashioned H20, but it felt like a special occasion for some reason and so I kind of sort of had a Jamba Juice (to the tune of 470 calories. Yikes!) Lunch was our favorite- Appleby's. Now, in my defense, I did order the soup & salad combo off of the Weight Watchers menu & we didn't order the appetizer like we usually do. Unfortunately, I washed it down with two strawberry lemonades (190 calories PER glass.) We went to Costco after lunch, where I became possessed by Rosie O'Donnell and filled 2 carts full. I didn't do the math exactly, but I think one of the carts was to hold healthy stuff like hummus and boneless skinless chicken breasts and 5 lb. bags of broccoli and the other cart was for Christmas cookies and eggnog. Yes, you read that right. Knowing full well that I had indulged in almost 700 calories of eggnog for breakfast, I threw caution to the wind and bought MORE eggnog in bulk at Costco. I skipped the cookies that I made for the kids' after school snack and I poured generous glasses of eggnog for them (got to get that stuff out of my house somehow!) I was coming down from the sugar high from my drinking binge by dinner time though and as is always the case when I've had too much sugar... I started craving sugar. I obediently ate my 4 oz. of chicken and 1/2 a baked potato w/ a side of steamed zucchini. Then, I called the day a total loss and made everyone (including me) peanut butter milkshakes for dessert. In hindsight, if I was going to feel loss of willpower thanks to my sugar cravings, perhaps I should have just pigged out on more chicken or zucchini rather than make a milkshake... Hmmm- maybe next time.


This is how it happens people! When you look at the actual food I ate for the day- a medium salad w/ spinach, maybe 5 shrimp, and a low cal vinaigrette dressing, a cup of tomato soup, 4 oz. of chicken, half a baked potato, and 3/4 of a cup of zucchini it's not too bad. I could totally be healthy eating that. Then, you add in the fluids... eggnog, an orange power Jamba Juice, 2 strawberry lemonades, and a peanut butter milkshake. Well, I might as well have fed myself pork gravy intravenously. So... yeah. Time to detox today. The diet is on again. Can you believe how bad we can sabotage our bodies just by adding a few drinks in to the mix? Scary stuff.

Drum Roll Please!!!

Ladies and Gentleman, my mother told me that I should never brag. I'm just too happy to care about manners though. I've gotta tell you! I've now officially lost 19 lbs.!!! Crazy enough, it's been pretty easy this time too. I mean, considering the fact that I have been doing the diet & exercise thing for a LONG time without breaking my plateau... it's kind of weird that it's just melting off me now. I attribute the first several pounds to my new blood pressure medications. I'm pretty sure a good amount of the weight was water retention (it's pretty obvious since all of a sudden my wedding ring fits for the first time in 2 years and several people have commented that I look less "puffy".) By the way, does anyone know the proper response to that comment? I'm thinking it's a compliment and so I should just say thanks? It's a little awkward though.
"Wow. Your face looks a lot less puffy!"
"Umm..." sheepish smile, "Thanks... I guess I didn't really realize I was THAT puffy before."
"Oh. You were. You look a lot healthier now. Even your eyelids have lost weight."

Which explains something else... remember when Jen enlightened us on how she is a FATMG? Well, I clearly fit into the FAOG (Fat All Over Girl) category. In other words, my body distributes my fat so equally (my body is truly into making sure all body parts receive their fair share of blubber. It's a just and impartial system) that when I lose nearly 20 lbs., I'm still basically wearing the same size. It's just a teeny bit looser. While there are some other people who are able to drop 20 lbs. of pure belly fat and look like an entirely different person, when I lose 20 lbs. all of a sudden my eyelids aren't as puffy and my watch is a little too big. Yes, that's right. I still have belly fat but my WRIST lost 3/4 of an inch. Weird, I know. That's actually fine with me though since I really can't afford to go clothes shopping yet anyway. :-) So... with that in mind, I'm hoping that I can drop 40 more lbs. as effortlessly as this last 19 have vanished and hopefully be at my goal weight at tax return time so mama can get a new wardrobe!.

For now, I feel a lot better already. Which is way more worthwhile to me than looking good. If I cared more about the looking good part, I seriously doubt I would have let this weight thing get as bad as it did in the first place. I should have been a little more vain and binged and purged as soon as my jeans got too tight the first time like all the other hot chicks do (Just kidding. But seriously...) It would have probably been a lot easier than waiting for my blood pressure to sky rocket. The day that I went into the Doctor's office he looked at my age on the chart and said, "You're just a baby! You're too young to have these numbers." and I told him I may only be 29, but I feel like a car with well over 100,000 miles on it. That had never had an oil change. And I'm not talking about a Toyota. Those things can drive for forever! No, I felt more like a crappy old Chevy Nova that used to be cool but now the windows don't even roll down anymore and only AM stations come in (through an old metal coat hanger because someone ripped the antenna out a long time ago.) The good news, the drum roll request inducing news is... my blood pressure is WAY lower, my energy is WAY higher, and I think I may have upgraded to a different kind of used car. I mean, I don't feel like a brand new sports car or anything, but I may be in the certified pre-owned Corolla or Camry group now.

So, now that I've rambled on & on about my wrists losing 3/4 of an inch and used car analogies, here's the lowdown on what I did to break my plateau (in case you were wondering):
Disclaimer: I can neither confirm nor deny that any of these things will work for you. All I know is this is what I did differently this month and now I'm 19 lbs. lighter.
#1. I think finally getting on blood pressure medication was a huge part. I'm pretty sure my body was just under too much stress to lose weight before and once I gave it the medicine it needed to "take the pressure off" my fight or flight response was lessened and my body got the message that it wasn't in immediate danger and didn't actually have to try to save itself by storing every ounce of energy that went into it.

#2. I got paranoid. When the doctor told me that I needed to put the salt shaker down, I got offended because I NEVER add extra salt. Then, I realized that I didn't need to add salt because the "diet" foods that I was eating like frozen entrees and canned soup had more sodium than I was supposed to get per SERVING! I read the labels on absolutely everything & switched to whole foods when I couldn't find enough low calorie / low carb options that weren't low in sodium. Then, when I started feeling a LOT better from skipping the salty stuff I kicked the sugar problem. Once again, I thought I was eating mostly low calorie / low carb and wasn't pigging out on sugary desserts or eating white bread! However, a can of slim-fast has more sugar than I'm willing to put into my body anymore. Stinking diet foods...

#3. I exercised less. Crazy, right? First I tell you that I got rid of my diet foods and now I'm saying I exercised less. It's madness. When I first started on my new medications, I played the sick card and made good friends with the couch. Where before I would push myself to work out longer & harder, now I was kicking back on the couch reading every book in The Twilight Saga. I still squeezed in the occasional walk, but because I felt like it. When I didn't feel like it I didn't go. I realized something. Before, I was so tired that a lot of the time when I exercised it felt like I was running a triathlon with the flu. I was clenching my jaw in resentment as I exercised and ending up with a migraine after every workout. So, I rested and still lost weight.

#4. I got distracted. I volunteered all week at my kids' school doing the Book Fair. I had long phone conversations with good friends. I went shopping. I didn't notice I was hungry. I just felt happy & fulfilled. I realized that I eat when I'm bored, sad, stressed, lonely... so I made sure to avoid activities that left me feeling frustrated and got busy doing things that I loved.

#5. I convinced my family that losing weight was IMPORTANT since it was now officially on doctor's orders and I knew that they weren't letting me blow it. For once, my hubby didn't sabotage my diet by tempting me with my favorite treats or suggesting we go for ice cream like he has always done on every diet in the past. My kids were worried about my health and if I so much as popped a piece of their pizza crust in my mouth they were freaking out on me to take care of myself. Accountability and motivation are awesome. They weren't being greedy with their Halloween candy. They were trying to protect me. ;-)

#6. I overdosed on B-vitamins. I got the easily absorbable B-complex formula with something like 6,667% of Thiamine and 1,176% of Riboflavin, etc. You need B-vitamins to handle stress and in the past dieting has made me REALLY stressed (oddly not this time) and stress makes losing weight hard. See the cycle? Plus, B-vitamins are essential for turning the food you do eat into energy!

#7. I cheated. Then, I regretted it and knew it wasn't worth it. After two solid weeks of not putting an ounce of sugar into my body, I gave in and ate a slice of cheesecake just to "keep my metabolism on its toes". Within 20 minutes I had a HORRIBLE blinding migraine and I realized... I'd gone two weeks without a migraine. (A record for me lately.) All of a sudden cheating sounded scary. I hate those darn headaches and would do anything to avoid them! Bonus incentive right there!

So, that's that. 19 lbs. down. 40 to go. I'm a third of the way there!

Holiday Strategy for the Battle of the Bathroom Scale

So, it's November - aka "The Most Critical Time of the Year." Well, for me and any of you hoping to hold steady (or maybe even gain some ground) in that annoying battle with the bathroom scale. At this time every year I put the battle strategy into play, and get ready to come out victorious on New Year's. And just so you know, this plan is geared ENTIRELY around eating Holiday food, and avoiding goody-deprivation at all holiday food gatherings.

And it never fails me.

Just thought some of you might be interested.

I really should have posted this right after Halloween - since I always get things started at the beginning of November - but I was too busy not thinking about Halloween candy to organize my thoughts... But better late then never, right?

So, the plan. The strategy. It all revolves around advanced planning and preemptive striking. In other words, lose now, gain later, and it all comes out in the wash.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "Like it's that easy to just 'lose now.' If I could do that I already would have. Duh." But just hear me out. This is all about mind power, and is totally doable. I swear. Why? What magic formula will make it easier to lose this time? Motivation. Hanging before you every day from now to Christmas, are all those goodies. The feasts. The cookies. The party foods and appetizers constituting a meals worth of calories in a single bite. All the foods you know you'll want to eat, and should be able to eat because it's Christmas. Do you really want to be the one at the party saying "Well, that hot, steamy, overly cheesy, completely delicious looking, and divine tasting artichoke dip looks great, but I'm really just into celery right now,"???

Trust me. You can do this. You can do anything for a couple of weeks and a big piece of guiltless-pumpkin-cheesecake, right?

So here's the goal. Lose at least two (solid, meaning more than just water weight) pounds before Thanksgiving, and then again before Christmas. And here's the plan to accomplish it.

1. Pick your most favorite eating time of the day and leave it alone (meaning, eat as usual, no suffering necessary). You love breakfast? Fine. Lunch? Fine. Dinner? Evening snack? No problem. All of them? Pick one. And no complaining - it won't work if you're not willing to suffer at least a tiny bit.

2. Look at your two remaining meals, and usual snacks, and start sacrificing. Cut them in half, substitute with healthy/low-fat/low-carb/low-sugar/smaller portion/or-what-ever-it-is-that-works-for-you meals, grit your teeth, think about your favorite holiday treat and how you will guiltlessly consume a second helping, and bear it.

3. Add an extra gimmick just to kick start things. For instance, this year mine is "turn down one thing every day." Sounds so small, but I've given up an ice cream sundae (with LOADS of toppings, all you can eat), brownies (the plural because you know I wouldn't have stopped at just one), pastries, my late-night handful of milk chocolate chips, and a few other things just this week. Other years I've ditched sweet-treats altogether, or eaten one salad a day - whatever. Just pick some small thing and be strict. No cheating allowed.

4. If you have a party to attend, eat light all day to make up for it. (And don't go totally overboard when you get there. It's not Christmas YET). If you have to make goodies, go ahead and have some, but set your limit before they're done, stick to it, and get them out of the house fast. If someone brings you treats, eat them. Then skip dinner. (Well, that's what I do, but I suppose I shouldn't try to sell you on such obviously not-healthy strategies. But it does work...)

5. Look in the mirror at least three times a day (no complaining, if you've read this blog before you TOTALLY knew this would be part of the plan) and tell yourself you're going to be a skinny babe by Christmas.

6. Exercise is extra-credit.

7. When the morning of the big day comes (first Thanksgiving, then Christmas), save your calories up. For instance, have an apple for breakfast. Eat a pile of lettuce for lunch.

8. At the actual event? Enjoy yourself. Eat up. Gain back those two pounds all in one sitting if you want - you earned it. (Or, not. Besides, like you can gain two pounds of actual fat in one sitting. I personally believe one meal never hurt anybody).

I would just like to bear my testimony that everyone should get to eat at Christmas dinner without "watching what they eat." I also believe that gorging on good food for the entire holiday season is going over the top, and should be considered a diet-sin. I know that every woman has at least four weeks of solid diet-self-control in her - especially when the reward is turkey gravy, Christmas croisants, and chocolate trifle. I also know that my little battle strategy works for me, and will work for anyone who undertakes it with real intent. Losing two pounds is really not an impossible task. And you'll thank yourself on New Year's. In the name of Holiday Food, amen.

My Stupid Plan That I'm Regretting, Yet Kind Of Glad I Conceived

I'm all alone in my house (essentially - everyone else is sleeping), with hordes, and hordes of Halloween candy.

But it gets worse.

This morning, after breakfasting on several mini candy bars and a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I made a vow. I was standing at my sink doing dishes, and feeling rather candied-out for the moment (key word here would be "moment"). I was feeling strong. I was feeling optimistic. I was feeling like taking on an impossible task.

These dangerous emotions caused me to have the following conversation with myself:

Me: What am I going to do with all that candy around? I've already been eating chocolate and goodies for three days - one more day of junk food, and I'll be sorry.

Me: Well, fine then - I just won't eat anymore candy. Who cares if it's in the house, I can be strong.

Me: Oooo. That candy is going to last for days! Do you seriously think your willpower can outlast it? Snickers? Milkyway? Candy with both chocolate AND peanut butter? I don't know...

Me: Of course I can. I am totally in control here. I (momentarily) don't even WANT to eat anymore chocolate. Besides, the Lord wants me to be healthy.

Me: Bringing out the big guns, huh? The whole I'm-in-control-of-my-body-and-what-goes-into-it-so-I-can-withstand-any-stupid-old-craving argument?

Me: Yeah. That one.

Me: But aren't you a little scared? You know you could totally prove yourself to be weak and gluttonous on this one - it's like the perfect set-up for failure.

Me: (feeling VERY confident, strong, and momentarily candied-out) I can do this. Watch me. Not ONE SINGLE PIECE will pass these lips.

Me: You're on.

It was like making a pact with the devil. And you know what happens if you break those contracts... And I've totally committed myself. If I eat candy I lose.

I HATE LOSING! And there is GOOD candy around here!

So I'm looking for a little support. Is there anyone out there willing to join me? Willing to turn their back on chocolate and peanut butter so I won't feel so alone? Who will understand what I'm going through? Or who will at least sympathize and commiserate with me?

If so, I'll be forever grateful. And hopefully victorious. And that would also translate into not-gaining-back-those-irritating-four-pounds, which is ESSENTIAL heading into Thanksgiving/Christmas!

And now back to my house, all that candy, and an exercise in self-control. Wish me luck...