Sunday, December 28, 2008

Gain a Little? Feeling Discouraged? Never Fear - I Have Just the Theory For You!

So, in case anyone doesn't already know, this is officially Natalie's blog. This means that she gets to do all the "administrative" blog stuff - like decide what goes on her sidebar. When I stopped by to check out the old Skinny Pants blog today, one question immediately popped into my mind.

Where the heck did she find that picture of me sitting at the table waiting to stuff my face with giant cookies? Seriously. Does anyone doubt that the chick in the picture MUST be me? It's so obvious. Natalie, you are amazing.

Speaking of the cookie exchange, the damage results were officially in three days ago. Please don't ask me to divulge the ridiculous incremental increase that showed up on the bathroom scale, because it would be too painful to make it public. There is, however, some good news.

I have another theory. Kind of like the one about fat cells holding their breath when you lose weight, this one concerns itself with gaining weight. You know how people fall off the wagon for a few days, eat till they're sick, and get that bloated/gained-five-plus-pounds feeling? Well, I'm here to tell you that this feeling is nothing more than another sneaky trick of those greedy little fat cells.

Think about it. When the binge is over, and the scale weighs in the disastrous results, what happens? The victim immediately gets depressed over the sudden weight gain, and gets discouraged. And what is it we usually do when discouraged? Give in and eat. This is all part of the sinister fat cells' evil plan, and no girl should ever fall for it again!

Here's the theory. Just like it takes the fat cells a while to actually admit the fat is gone, they can't really soak up new fat that quick either - they just want you to think they did so you'll give up and feed their greedy little selves. In reality (according to my non-professional theory), the surplus of fat and calories you consumed is only floating around the fat cells. The only way they can actually hang onto the new fat, is if you keep feeding them more so that the "extra" is still extra. Does that make sense?

If - instead of giving up and continuing the bad food binge - you recommence the starving-of-the-fat-cells, all that extra will be quickly used up by your body, and the fat cells lose. Oh sure, they might manage to secure a pound or two, but isn't that way better than handing over the total victory of five or ten pounds??? So if you've been bad and the scale confirms it, remember - it's just an illusion. So, instead of giving up and getting discouraged, get determined instead and fight back. Whatever it is you do to keep off weight and/or lose a little, get right back on it! Be super good, don't get on the scale for three days, and when you do you'll see that at least half of what you thought you'd gained isn't really there at all.

I still say that half the battle is mental. To some extent, you really can "think yourself thin" - or fat, depending on what you tell yourself. So if you've been bad this Christmas season, don't give up, and don't give in. Fight back and don't give any ground to those stupid little fat cells waiting to ruin all your plans. And remember, every time you allow yourself to feel discouraged, you give them the edge, so keep positive!

Happy New Year everyone! Good luck with those resolutions!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Such A Loser

Ever since the season finale of The Biggest Loser I have had this errant thought plaguing my brain: I want to audition. I think that idea popped into my head about the same time as my hubby commented, "Wow, some of them turned out really hot. Who knew they could end up looking so good when you saw them before?" It bothered me just a smidgen. I said, "Well, I could look that good too if I had all of the resources they've had. Of course NBC gives them a total makeover so that the results are sensationalized for better TV... They probably wouldn't even look that good if they had lost the same amount of weight at home on their own..." I went on like that for awhile sporadically spewing out defensive excuses for why their improved appearance wasn't anything special (read: anything that I couldn't do.)

Finally, I admitted the truth. I CAN'T do it at home as well as they can on TV. At home, I cheat. I take my sweet time. I make excuses for why I'll binge today and make up for it tomorrow. I can guarantee that if I were stripping down and getting weighed in wearing those pathetically small little outfits on national television I'd be busting my butt a lot harder than I am now. At home, I have to fix food for my family. I think about going out for a walk and then look out the window at the weather and cuddle up with my hubby to watch a movie instead. I could really use the combination of accountability and guidance and competition that The Biggest Loser provides. I started rationalizing how it would be so worth it that I would be okay with "abandoning" my family so I could go to fat camp.

That's when I broke the news to my hubby. I told him that I'd looked it up online and they were auditioning for next season right now and I was sending in a video tape. Do you know what he did? He laughed. That's right, he laughed at me! I guess I should take it as a compliment that he doesn't think I'm fat enough to make the cut, but I was ticked off. How dare he tell me that I don't have the stuff? (The stuff being lard.) He pointed out that you win based on the percentage of weight lost and some of those people are bringing enough weight to make up a whole other person. So, they could lose 50% of themselves. If I lost 50% of myself I would make Mary Kate Olson look chubby, so that's out. He asked me what the point of going through that would be if I didn't have a chance of winning? True Dat. I want to be THEE biggest loser, not one of a bunch of losers.

So, I suppose I won't send my tape in. I suppose that I'm just gonna have to go it alone & start January off with the New Year's resolution to eat less & move more like 75% of America (same ole, same ole...) I was really digging the idea of an all expenses paid trip to fat camp too.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Dieting Evils of a Seemingly Harmless Christmas Tradition

I went to a cookie exchange the other day. It was fun. Socially speaking. On the trying-to-stay-skinny-through-the-holidays front, however, it was disastrous. Possibly the single most disastrous event in the history of December dieting. Girls like me should never put themselves in the path of such temptation - we should know better.

The idea of a cookie exchange, is rather brilliant. Rather than one woman making dozens and dozens of different kinds of cookies to give away during the holidays, a bunch of women make dozens and dozens of one kind of cookie, go to a party, and exchange cookies. At this particular cookie exchange, we each brought twelve dozen - i.e. one hundred and forty-four individual - cookies.

Which means we each left with twelve dozen - i.e. one hundred and forty-four individual - cookies. To give away. Right.

I swear my intentions are honorable. Really - I always tell myself that this year will be different, and I'll actually give away all those cookies. But then I go to the party and SEE them. And SMELL them. And TASTE them.

Then I start plotting out ways to keep my family from knowing the cookies are in the house so I can eat every single one-hundred-and-forty-fourth one myself. It's like a cookie-eating sickness. And I contract it every year.

This year was bad. The level of badness is directly related to the scrumptiousness of the cookies presented at the cookie exchange. Can I just say that this year there were FOUR different varieties of chocolate peanut butter cookies? And carmelitas - made by two different people, meaning that I took home two dozen of them?

It was seriously way to much to ask of me. I tried to think of someone to give at least some of the cookies away to, but every time I started thinking about it, it was like I had a stupor of thought. The kind of stupor that immediately switched over to thoughts of carmelitas and peanut butter chocolate bars, and how good they were going to taste when I ate them. And then I'd go have a couple. Of each.

Thankfully, I was unable to keep my family in the dark about the cookies, so I was forced to share. For two nights we brought the cookie platter out for dessert, and during both days, I even gave out a few of the ones lower on the I-must-eat-you-or-die list to my cookie-loving children.

I ate the last two cookies for breakfast this morning. Thank goodness they're gone and I can get on with my life - now that all my jeans are suddenly feeling a little bit tighter. Good thing I don't believe my body could possibly have transferred ALL that directly into fat, or I'd be in trouble. I LOOK fatter, and I FEEL fatter, but I'm convinced that if I can just live (primarily) off of the cookie-calories I've stored up for the next few days, I should be fine. It's got to be mostly water weight anyway, right?

And I'm not eating a single Christmas treat of ANY kind until our families actual Christmas dinner. And (aside from issuing a warning against cookie exchanges to all women with zero self control like myself), that is what this post is primarily about. I have now declared to the world that I will abstain from goodies, and so I'll have to do it. And hopefully, if I'm super good, I'll find all that cookie-fat gone the next time I brave the bathroom scale.

Wish me luck!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Help! I'm Drinking Again!

Yesterday, Dustin had the day off and with all of the kids safely off to school we headed out to spend the day in Olympia together. It was such a fabulous day. The kind of day that makes you want to pinch yourself to see if you're dreaming and when you realize that you are in fact awake you begin to dread going home to the "real world" when the kids get off the bus. I absolutely love his days off. I think it's massively important to our marriage to have these times together to just hang out kid free. Simply wandering around shopping and going out to lunch together is so blissful when you do it with the right person. I only have one complaint about yesterday. I'm fairly certain that I fell off the diet bandwagon and drank my entire weeks worth of calories. (Oh, the guilt! Oh, the shame!)

It started out innocently enough (it always does...) As we set out in the foggy, mud-puddley morning Dustin suggested we stop by the espresso stand and get a hot eggnog. I LOVE eggnog and the thought of a warm drink when the moisture in the air makes your bones cold sounded awesome. So, we grabbed our 20 0Z. of eggnog (675 calories chugged by 9:00 AM.) From there, we headed to the mall to do some shopping (Yay!) Only, after a couple of hours of shopping we were kind of thirsty and the smoothie places in the mall were calling our names. I know I should have quenched my thirst with some good old-fashioned H20, but it felt like a special occasion for some reason and so I kind of sort of had a Jamba Juice (to the tune of 470 calories. Yikes!) Lunch was our favorite- Appleby's. Now, in my defense, I did order the soup & salad combo off of the Weight Watchers menu & we didn't order the appetizer like we usually do. Unfortunately, I washed it down with two strawberry lemonades (190 calories PER glass.) We went to Costco after lunch, where I became possessed by Rosie O'Donnell and filled 2 carts full. I didn't do the math exactly, but I think one of the carts was to hold healthy stuff like hummus and boneless skinless chicken breasts and 5 lb. bags of broccoli and the other cart was for Christmas cookies and eggnog. Yes, you read that right. Knowing full well that I had indulged in almost 700 calories of eggnog for breakfast, I threw caution to the wind and bought MORE eggnog in bulk at Costco. I skipped the cookies that I made for the kids' after school snack and I poured generous glasses of eggnog for them (got to get that stuff out of my house somehow!) I was coming down from the sugar high from my drinking binge by dinner time though and as is always the case when I've had too much sugar... I started craving sugar. I obediently ate my 4 oz. of chicken and 1/2 a baked potato w/ a side of steamed zucchini. Then, I called the day a total loss and made everyone (including me) peanut butter milkshakes for dessert. In hindsight, if I was going to feel loss of willpower thanks to my sugar cravings, perhaps I should have just pigged out on more chicken or zucchini rather than make a milkshake... Hmmm- maybe next time.

This is how it happens people! When you look at the actual food I ate for the day- a medium salad w/ spinach, maybe 5 shrimp, and a low cal vinaigrette dressing, a cup of tomato soup, 4 oz. of chicken, half a baked potato, and 3/4 of a cup of zucchini it's not too bad. I could totally be healthy eating that. Then, you add in the fluids... eggnog, an orange power Jamba Juice, 2 strawberry lemonades, and a peanut butter milkshake. Well, I might as well have fed myself pork gravy intravenously. So... yeah. Time to detox today. The diet is on again. Can you believe how bad we can sabotage our bodies just by adding a few drinks in to the mix? Scary stuff.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Drum Roll Please!!!

Ladies and Gentleman, my mother told me that I should never brag. I'm just too happy to care about manners though. I've gotta tell you! I've now officially lost 19 lbs.!!! Crazy enough, it's been pretty easy this time too. I mean, considering the fact that I have been doing the diet & exercise thing for a LONG time without breaking my plateau... it's kind of weird that it's just melting off me now. I attribute the first several pounds to my new blood pressure medications. I'm pretty sure a good amount of the weight was water retention (it's pretty obvious since all of a sudden my wedding ring fits for the first time in 2 years and several people have commented that I look less "puffy".) By the way, does anyone know the proper response to that comment? I'm thinking it's a compliment and so I should just say thanks? It's a little awkward though.
"Wow. Your face looks a lot less puffy!"
"Umm..." sheepish smile, "Thanks... I guess I didn't really realize I was THAT puffy before."
"Oh. You were. You look a lot healthier now. Even your eyelids have lost weight."

Which explains something else... remember when Jen enlightened us on how she is a FATMG? Well, I clearly fit into the FAOG (Fat All Over Girl) category. In other words, my body distributes my fat so equally (my body is truly into making sure all body parts receive their fair share of blubber. It's a just and impartial system) that when I lose nearly 20 lbs., I'm still basically wearing the same size. It's just a teeny bit looser. While there are some other people who are able to drop 20 lbs. of pure belly fat and look like an entirely different person, when I lose 20 lbs. all of a sudden my eyelids aren't as puffy and my watch is a little too big. Yes, that's right. I still have belly fat but my WRIST lost 3/4 of an inch. Weird, I know. That's actually fine with me though since I really can't afford to go clothes shopping yet anyway. :-) So... with that in mind, I'm hoping that I can drop 40 more lbs. as effortlessly as this last 19 have vanished and hopefully be at my goal weight at tax return time so mama can get a new wardrobe!.

For now, I feel a lot better already. Which is way more worthwhile to me than looking good. If I cared more about the looking good part, I seriously doubt I would have let this weight thing get as bad as it did in the first place. I should have been a little more vain and binged and purged as soon as my jeans got too tight the first time like all the other hot chicks do (Just kidding. But seriously...) It would have probably been a lot easier than waiting for my blood pressure to sky rocket. The day that I went into the Doctor's office he looked at my age on the chart and said, "You're just a baby! You're too young to have these numbers." and I told him I may only be 29, but I feel like a car with well over 100,000 miles on it. That had never had an oil change. And I'm not talking about a Toyota. Those things can drive for forever! No, I felt more like a crappy old Chevy Nova that used to be cool but now the windows don't even roll down anymore and only AM stations come in (through an old metal coat hanger because someone ripped the antenna out a long time ago.) The good news, the drum roll request inducing news is... my blood pressure is WAY lower, my energy is WAY higher, and I think I may have upgraded to a different kind of used car. I mean, I don't feel like a brand new sports car or anything, but I may be in the certified pre-owned Corolla or Camry group now.

So, now that I've rambled on & on about my wrists losing 3/4 of an inch and used car analogies, here's the lowdown on what I did to break my plateau (in case you were wondering):
Disclaimer: I can neither confirm nor deny that any of these things will work for you. All I know is this is what I did differently this month and now I'm 19 lbs. lighter.
#1. I think finally getting on blood pressure medication was a huge part. I'm pretty sure my body was just under too much stress to lose weight before and once I gave it the medicine it needed to "take the pressure off" my fight or flight response was lessened and my body got the message that it wasn't in immediate danger and didn't actually have to try to save itself by storing every ounce of energy that went into it.

#2. I got paranoid. When the doctor told me that I needed to put the salt shaker down, I got offended because I NEVER add extra salt. Then, I realized that I didn't need to add salt because the "diet" foods that I was eating like frozen entrees and canned soup had more sodium than I was supposed to get per SERVING! I read the labels on absolutely everything & switched to whole foods when I couldn't find enough low calorie / low carb options that weren't low in sodium. Then, when I started feeling a LOT better from skipping the salty stuff I kicked the sugar problem. Once again, I thought I was eating mostly low calorie / low carb and wasn't pigging out on sugary desserts or eating white bread! However, a can of slim-fast has more sugar than I'm willing to put into my body anymore. Stinking diet foods...

#3. I exercised less. Crazy, right? First I tell you that I got rid of my diet foods and now I'm saying I exercised less. It's madness. When I first started on my new medications, I played the sick card and made good friends with the couch. Where before I would push myself to work out longer & harder, now I was kicking back on the couch reading every book in The Twilight Saga. I still squeezed in the occasional walk, but because I felt like it. When I didn't feel like it I didn't go. I realized something. Before, I was so tired that a lot of the time when I exercised it felt like I was running a triathlon with the flu. I was clenching my jaw in resentment as I exercised and ending up with a migraine after every workout. So, I rested and still lost weight.

#4. I got distracted. I volunteered all week at my kids' school doing the Book Fair. I had long phone conversations with good friends. I went shopping. I didn't notice I was hungry. I just felt happy & fulfilled. I realized that I eat when I'm bored, sad, stressed, lonely... so I made sure to avoid activities that left me feeling frustrated and got busy doing things that I loved.

#5. I convinced my family that losing weight was IMPORTANT since it was now officially on doctor's orders and I knew that they weren't letting me blow it. For once, my hubby didn't sabotage my diet by tempting me with my favorite treats or suggesting we go for ice cream like he has always done on every diet in the past. My kids were worried about my health and if I so much as popped a piece of their pizza crust in my mouth they were freaking out on me to take care of myself. Accountability and motivation are awesome. They weren't being greedy with their Halloween candy. They were trying to protect me. ;-)

#6. I overdosed on B-vitamins. I got the easily absorbable B-complex formula with something like 6,667% of Thiamine and 1,176% of Riboflavin, etc. You need B-vitamins to handle stress and in the past dieting has made me REALLY stressed (oddly not this time) and stress makes losing weight hard. See the cycle? Plus, B-vitamins are essential for turning the food you do eat into energy!

#7. I cheated. Then, I regretted it and knew it wasn't worth it. After two solid weeks of not putting an ounce of sugar into my body, I gave in and ate a slice of cheesecake just to "keep my metabolism on its toes". Within 20 minutes I had a HORRIBLE blinding migraine and I realized... I'd gone two weeks without a migraine. (A record for me lately.) All of a sudden cheating sounded scary. I hate those darn headaches and would do anything to avoid them! Bonus incentive right there!

So, that's that. 19 lbs. down. 40 to go. I'm a third of the way there!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Holiday Strategy for the Battle of the Bathroom Scale

So, it's November - aka "The Most Critical Time of the Year." Well, for me and any of you hoping to hold steady (or maybe even gain some ground) in that annoying battle with the bathroom scale. At this time every year I put the battle strategy into play, and get ready to come out victorious on New Year's. And just so you know, this plan is geared ENTIRELY around eating Holiday food, and avoiding goody-deprivation at all holiday food gatherings.

And it never fails me.

Just thought some of you might be interested.

I really should have posted this right after Halloween - since I always get things started at the beginning of November - but I was too busy not thinking about Halloween candy to organize my thoughts... But better late then never, right?

So, the plan. The strategy. It all revolves around advanced planning and preemptive striking. In other words, lose now, gain later, and it all comes out in the wash.

I know, I know, you're thinking, "Like it's that easy to just 'lose now.' If I could do that I already would have. Duh." But just hear me out. This is all about mind power, and is totally doable. I swear. Why? What magic formula will make it easier to lose this time? Motivation. Hanging before you every day from now to Christmas, are all those goodies. The feasts. The cookies. The party foods and appetizers constituting a meals worth of calories in a single bite. All the foods you know you'll want to eat, and should be able to eat because it's Christmas. Do you really want to be the one at the party saying "Well, that hot, steamy, overly cheesy, completely delicious looking, and divine tasting artichoke dip looks great, but I'm really just into celery right now,"???

Trust me. You can do this. You can do anything for a couple of weeks and a big piece of guiltless-pumpkin-cheesecake, right?

So here's the goal. Lose at least two (solid, meaning more than just water weight) pounds before Thanksgiving, and then again before Christmas. And here's the plan to accomplish it.

1. Pick your most favorite eating time of the day and leave it alone (meaning, eat as usual, no suffering necessary). You love breakfast? Fine. Lunch? Fine. Dinner? Evening snack? No problem. All of them? Pick one. And no complaining - it won't work if you're not willing to suffer at least a tiny bit.

2. Look at your two remaining meals, and usual snacks, and start sacrificing. Cut them in half, substitute with healthy/low-fat/low-carb/low-sugar/smaller portion/or-what-ever-it-is-that-works-for-you meals, grit your teeth, think about your favorite holiday treat and how you will guiltlessly consume a second helping, and bear it.

3. Add an extra gimmick just to kick start things. For instance, this year mine is "turn down one thing every day." Sounds so small, but I've given up an ice cream sundae (with LOADS of toppings, all you can eat), brownies (the plural because you know I wouldn't have stopped at just one), pastries, my late-night handful of milk chocolate chips, and a few other things just this week. Other years I've ditched sweet-treats altogether, or eaten one salad a day - whatever. Just pick some small thing and be strict. No cheating allowed.

4. If you have a party to attend, eat light all day to make up for it. (And don't go totally overboard when you get there. It's not Christmas YET). If you have to make goodies, go ahead and have some, but set your limit before they're done, stick to it, and get them out of the house fast. If someone brings you treats, eat them. Then skip dinner. (Well, that's what I do, but I suppose I shouldn't try to sell you on such obviously not-healthy strategies. But it does work...)

5. Look in the mirror at least three times a day (no complaining, if you've read this blog before you TOTALLY knew this would be part of the plan) and tell yourself you're going to be a skinny babe by Christmas.

6. Exercise is extra-credit.

7. When the morning of the big day comes (first Thanksgiving, then Christmas), save your calories up. For instance, have an apple for breakfast. Eat a pile of lettuce for lunch.

8. At the actual event? Enjoy yourself. Eat up. Gain back those two pounds all in one sitting if you want - you earned it. (Or, not. Besides, like you can gain two pounds of actual fat in one sitting. I personally believe one meal never hurt anybody).

I would just like to bear my testimony that everyone should get to eat at Christmas dinner without "watching what they eat." I also believe that gorging on good food for the entire holiday season is going over the top, and should be considered a diet-sin. I know that every woman has at least four weeks of solid diet-self-control in her - especially when the reward is turkey gravy, Christmas croisants, and chocolate trifle. I also know that my little battle strategy works for me, and will work for anyone who undertakes it with real intent. Losing two pounds is really not an impossible task. And you'll thank yourself on New Year's. In the name of Holiday Food, amen.

Saturday, November 1, 2008

My Stupid Plan That I'm Regretting, Yet Kind Of Glad I Conceived

I'm all alone in my house (essentially - everyone else is sleeping), with hordes, and hordes of Halloween candy.

But it gets worse.

This morning, after breakfasting on several mini candy bars and a few Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, I made a vow. I was standing at my sink doing dishes, and feeling rather candied-out for the moment (key word here would be "moment"). I was feeling strong. I was feeling optimistic. I was feeling like taking on an impossible task.

These dangerous emotions caused me to have the following conversation with myself:

Me: What am I going to do with all that candy around? I've already been eating chocolate and goodies for three days - one more day of junk food, and I'll be sorry.

Me: Well, fine then - I just won't eat anymore candy. Who cares if it's in the house, I can be strong.

Me: Oooo. That candy is going to last for days! Do you seriously think your willpower can outlast it? Snickers? Milkyway? Candy with both chocolate AND peanut butter? I don't know...

Me: Of course I can. I am totally in control here. I (momentarily) don't even WANT to eat anymore chocolate. Besides, the Lord wants me to be healthy.

Me: Bringing out the big guns, huh? The whole I'm-in-control-of-my-body-and-what-goes-into-it-so-I-can-withstand-any-stupid-old-craving argument?

Me: Yeah. That one.

Me: But aren't you a little scared? You know you could totally prove yourself to be weak and gluttonous on this one - it's like the perfect set-up for failure.

Me: (feeling VERY confident, strong, and momentarily candied-out) I can do this. Watch me. Not ONE SINGLE PIECE will pass these lips.

Me: You're on.

It was like making a pact with the devil. And you know what happens if you break those contracts... And I've totally committed myself. If I eat candy I lose.

I HATE LOSING! And there is GOOD candy around here!

So I'm looking for a little support. Is there anyone out there willing to join me? Willing to turn their back on chocolate and peanut butter so I won't feel so alone? Who will understand what I'm going through? Or who will at least sympathize and commiserate with me?

If so, I'll be forever grateful. And hopefully victorious. And that would also translate into not-gaining-back-those-irritating-four-pounds, which is ESSENTIAL heading into Thanksgiving/Christmas!

And now back to my house, all that candy, and an exercise in self-control. Wish me luck...

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Murderer of Carbs (Annie)

You made it! Yay you!

Last Sunday I started my day off with two cinnamon rolls and five cookies. The night before at a Halloween party I had five rice krispy peanut butter bars, four pumpkin cookies, a small snickers, one brownie, a bowl of chili, and seven desperate stalks of raw broccoli. The broccoli was my sad attempt to mix up the digestive process and keep things from melting into my bloodstream too fast.

To be honest, I haven't done this in about six months. I eat dessert when I want to, but it's always calculated and carefully consumed. Stuffing my face? 128 pounds is not conducive with this kind of eating. I was actually 131 yesterday, but 128 is THE WEIGHT. I saw it flash on the scale one morning three weeks ago and that was it, I was hooked. I do so much better when I have a slightly unreachable goal. If I'm always working on 128, 130 is easy to maintain.

To keep from eating the other six cookies in the zip lock bag last Sunday, I actually ran the bag full of tap water and drowned the cookies. It was my only escape. That's right, I am a cookie murderer. It's the price of skinny.

The thing is, we're all going to fall off, jump ship, or dig in. There is no eater out there who is immune to everything all the time. The key is knowing how to get a grip on the ladder and pull yourself back up. Ever notice how hard it is to get OUT of water? It's so easy to just float around all weightless. It's the hauling of the body back to dry land that painfully reminds us of the actuality of the situation. It's like stepping on the scale after a binge.

And so, here are a few of my tips for defying frosted, buttered, candied gravity.

1. Sugar free. When I'm freaking out about life and turn to chocolate, I go sugar free. It sounds so unappetizing but it's not. The Russel Stover's thin mints are great. They aren't quite good enough to binge on (and lend some serious bathroom time in case you do), but they're really strong flavored and hit the spot.

2. Water. I know, we all hear it all the time. I would die without my Jug. I have a 32 oz disgustingly thrashed jug that I fill up routinely throughout the day--especially at night. I had four pumpkin cupcakes for dinner tonight. I have washed them down with 1 1/2 jugs of ice water over the past few hours. And you know what? I don't feel one bit bad.

3. Drown it. As I mentioned with the cookies, I'm all about soaking, splashing, and drowning those beautiful tempting white carbs. If it's three o'clock and they're calling my name, I send those sirens back to the sea. That's right, I threw a beautiful cream cheese frosted chocolate chip pumpkin muffin straight into the soggy mixing bowl tonight. I am a murderer of carbs, people.

4. Stop talking about it already. You really want to see some results with your weight loss? When you have a set-back, don't verbalize it. Make a point of talking about how good you feel when you eat healthy, how much sugar screws with your body and how you can't stand the way it makes you feel. Don't talk about the water weight. Don't talk about the scale. Talk about the number you want to be and act like there's no such thing as a setback. This is a mind game. In it to win it or not, it's all about the things you say to yourself and everyone else. Like my old tap teacher used to say, "Fake it to make it."

That's it, I won't keep you here forever. If you ignore everything else I said, do this one little thing for me. The next time you walk by a mirror, stop an give yourself a big old smile, say out lout, "Man, I'm hot today!" and walk away.

Rinse and repeat.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Doctors Make Me Cry

You know what's worse than having a "dressing room moment"? Having a doctor's office moment. Those are the worst. I had one today. He called me fat. Well... first he broke it to me by whispering "overweight". Guess what? I'm supposed to eat less & move more. Shocking, isn't it? I tried to convince him that I already knew that. I said, "I do that." and "I do that too."

Well, more specifically... he said, "You need to put the fork down. Just push yourself away from the table."

I said, "I barely use forks. I practically live on lite yogurt & slim-fast."

He looked sorta doubtful & said, "You need to exercise at least half an hour a day. Take walks."

I replied, "I've been walking several miles a day 4 or 5 days a week and using my elliptical while I watch TV."

He looked even more doubtful and said, "You need to put the salt shaker away and avoid sugars."

I pretty much just nodded because I was beginning to see that my self defense was futile. Have I told you that it was just recently that I even bought a stinking salt & pepper shaker so we could have it when we had guests over? I just don't use salt shakers AND I buy low sodium soup & stuff.

So, why? you ask, is my blood pressure so high? Like stroke territory high? I dunno! I went into the doctor for what I thought was an ear infection and left with an assortment of prescriptions, another appointment for more lab work tomorrow, and another appointment in two weeks to see if my new medication is working yet. This is going to be expensive. Oh yeah, and I don't even have insurance.

So, the moral of the story is this...

A. Don't get fat in the first place because it's not good for your health.

B. When you do get fat, have insurance in place because it's really expensive to treat all those health issues brought on by your fatness.

C. Go to a doctor that lies and tells you that you're beautiful and in great health if you can't handle the truth.

D. If you have a family history of heart problems, don't get fat or your doctor might have to tell you that your heart is too weak to carry your fat@$$ around. (His words, not mine.)

I mean, I know he means well and I'm honestly really glad that he's helping me get some medical stuff taken care of. I want to be healthy. I really do. It just kind of hurts your feelings when your doctor has to tell you that you're basically morbidly obese and won't live long at the rate you're going so you better work up more of a sweat and fast. It just sounds like something that happens to "other people". I know it sounds bad, but I REALLY hope that my lab work proves that there's a reason behind my expanding behind so I can say, "See? I told you I was trying. I mean, I started a flipping blog about it. Doesn't blogging burn calories?!"

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Adam vs. Eve

   Boy, it was a toss up for what to write about today. I was sorely tempted to document my love-hate relationship with diet pills and how crazy they make me. It's been said that writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia. That certainly holds true for writing while on diet pills. Woo-hee... I'd just like to say that while my heart may explode and I would love to be able to stop tapping my foot, my house has never been cleaner. That said, what I think I'm actually going to enlighten you on is something else that makes me equally crazy: the fact that my husband makes losing weight look so easy. Like sitting watching your favorite show easy. You see, here I am completely overhauling my life & sadly accepting the fact that there has to be at least some form of deprivation in order to lose the blubber. No pain no gain (or in this case loss) right?

     This means that while I feed my family bagels with cream cheese for breakfast I make myself a killer slim-fast shake in the blender by pouring in tons of ice (excellent calorie free filler after all), 8 oz. light vanilla soy milk (because it has less calories than it's dairy counterpart), and a scoop of slim-fast (flavor varies since variety is the spice of life). I can totally handle skipping bagels. My shakes are actually not bad  & are even more filling when I remember to add extra fiber by throwing in some flax seeds or some frozen berries. Of course, snacking is key to keeping your metabolism going strong and preventing binges, so I usually have a mid morning snack of Weight Watchers yogurt or a 100 calorie bag of smart pop popcorn while checking up on all my blogging friends. I also keep the fluids flowing with mason jars full of herbal tea or lemon water all day. Sometime between my mid morning snack and the kids coming home from school I nosh on a Lean Cuisine (but only the NON- pasta ones like roasted garlic chicken w/ spinach or salmon w/ broccoli stir-fry). I typically try to make the kids a yummy after school snack & it can be difficult to not dip my finger into the cookie dough, but I've found that I'm willing to sip some diet hot cocoa instead. I like the Swiss Miss sensible sweets line a lot. You have to be careful though since the calorie counts vary widely. I usually grab the stuff that comes in at 25 calories a cup & is fortified with calcium, but I've accidentally grabbed the 60 calorie stuff before too. Not cool. That 35 calories matters.

    See, here's the part that the Adam vs. Eve thing gets frustrating. My DH isn't the type of guy who thinks 35 calories matters. In fact, he doesn't think about the calorie thing AT ALL. That doesn't stop him from dropping weight like a prisoner in a concentration camp though. I know that love isn't supposed to be selfish or jealous and that I should be happy for him. Blah, blah, blah... You know what I'm thinking when he says, "Hey Honey, can you hand me my belt? These pants are so loose they won't even stay up without a belt now" is that I want to throw myself on to the floor & throw a royal tantrum because it's NO FAIR!  I told you what I eat. You know what he eats? He goes through the drive-thru at McDonald's for a nice artery clogging breakfast. He stops at the gas station & picks up pizza or egg rolls or BBQ beef burritos and a bag of chips. For dinner, while I'm "diluting" my dinner by adding extra veggies & carefully arranging my plate so that 3/4 of it has some sort of green leafy something or other, he is skipping the veggies all together & filling his entire plate with the main course & lots of bread. He doesn't drink water. The one thing that he has done to lose weight is switch from Mountain Dew to fruit punch Gatorade. That was only because he knows too many people who have had kidney stones from drinking too much pop. By my math, Gatorade still has WAY too many calories for me though.

So, what gives?  I completely get the Slim-Quick commercials. Have you seen them? Designed to target the 6 ways women need help losing weight? Which is why I'm all hopped up on diet pills (could have been crack if I didn't know better.) So, if you see me on the street and I appear to be schizophrenic and you wonder why I'm talking so fast... that's it. I thought my body was so immune to the effects of caffeine that I could handle it, but alas the combo of caffeine, hoodia, ginseng, and ginkgo have proven too much for me. Not enough to make me stop taking them before I give it long enough to see if it works (please, please, please let it work.) Oh well, at least there's that my house has never been cleaner side effect. ;-)

Saturday, October 18, 2008

The Bumpy Wagon-Ride of my Weightloss Goals

I fell off the skinny-pants wagon. I know, I know, it's only been like a week - WHAT AM I DOING!!! Silly question. I can tell you exactly what I've been doing. E.A.T.I.N.G. I believe I am a victim of overconfidence, and I have totally been neglecting my positive self-talk about what a babe I am, and how my body really does want to weigh 136 lbs. (I've decided that would be my perfect number. The new target weight zone is 136-140, but I think that's as far as I want to go, so please don't worry that I'll get so caught up in losing weight that I'll have to be rescued when I dip below 95 lbs. This could not happen. I love food way too much).

My other problem is that I'm currently in a popcorn slump. My go-to lunch (with something healthy added to it - I'm not on a popcorn starvation diet) just isn't doing anything for me all of the sudden. This is not the first time this has happened, but it always poses the same issues.

Popcorn is something I love (usually), and actually crave. Being able to eat something I consider a big treat everyday for lunch (and bedtime snack half the time) totally saves my diet. I never feel like I'm depriving myself, and look forward to my healthy little, calorie/fat saving lunch. Take away that option (because it doesn't do anything for me if I don't enjoy it - I've never been able to eat things I didn't like just because I should) and I spend all day long chasing my fix.

I ate leftover pasta (like A LOT of left over pasta) for lunch two days in a row. One of those days I think I also ate some for breakfast.

I've eaten out twice.

There's been cookies, cheesecake, and a girls' night that I really can't even go into.

It's time to get things back under control here, because I made that little vow about holding steady and exercising self-control, and I've been totally blowing it.

Like a 5-lb-weight-gain-by-next-week-if-I-don't-get-a-grip kind of blowing it.

And while I'm on the subject, I view self-control regarding food as a gospel principle. I mean overcoming the natural man actually means overcoming our physical appetites, right? Isn't food the biggest, most constant appetite of them all? Shouldn't I be able to control my need for bad-but-oh-so-good food to some extent??? How often do you see an obese general authority? I don't know, I can't back this up with scripture, and you can call me a radical, but to me it just makes sense.

So as of this moment, I am getting a firm grip. No sweets this week (believe me, I had my share these past few days), and a substitute for my popcorn must be found. Sometimes tomato sandwiches do the trick, we'll see if they tempt me tomorrow. Maybe if I throw on cucumbers and a teensy bit of cheese? It really doesn't matter what it is as long as it soothes the savage beast that is my appetite demanding food I actually like, and is healthy at the same time.

I'm feeling more in control already. I love a plan. I'm all over it, and the 136 is my lucky number once more!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Sweet Victory!

I am proud to announce that today was a good day. The siege is officially back on, and I can feel those little breath-holding fat cells withering away with the effort even as we speak. I also have to say that knowing I was committed to writing this post really helped the war effort. My day went something like this:

Breakfast - a meal I usually don't want, but force myself to eat because "they" say you should. On this particular day, things were so hectic as I tried to get my little kids settled so I could do school drop-off and go to work, I almost forgot breakfast entirely. Then, at the last possible second I remembered that all important meal and grabbed a Weight Watchers 1 point yogurt out of the fridge, courtesy of Wal-mart yesterday. It wasn't bad. It also wasn't very filling.

Lunch - thanks to the accountability brought on by this post, I cast away all evil thoughts of pizza, and confined myself to a SMALL chicken salad, (did I mention that is was really, really small?) and a bag of light popcorn.

Snack - my babysitter made cookies, and I had three. The only three that were left. You may think I should have abstained, (or not eaten all three), but when you consider that I didn't bake a whole other batch so I could eat my usual baker's dozen, you are bound to be proud of me. Again, thank you accountability.

Dinner - a couple of baked burritos and a few bites of corn. And then another burrito left on someones plate. I love baked burritos. I could probably eat a baker's dozen of these too, so this also was a victory.

And now it is time for bed, and I will not be eating anything else today. It feels so good to be back on track (yes, this is a pretty typical food day for me), and by the end of the week I should be feeling good enough for some kind of sweet reward.

But not an entire bag of oreos eaten in under two hours. The desired weight zone has to be COMPLETELY official before I take those kind of risks. And do I really do that?

You betcha. What would life be without the occasional oreo binge? I know mine would be an empty, lonely, sorry place. So. Three weeks from now, the siege should be over, the zone official, and the oreos on the menu.

Wish me luck!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

And The Siege Is On!

My digestive system is rebelling. Why, you ask? For the worst possible reason if you're a person who's attempting to lose/hold in the battle of the bathroom scale. Really, this is very irritating, and I have no one to blame but myself. (And my mother. As events play out here, you'll all agree that she TOTALLY gets at least half the blame here).

So what is this "worst possible reason"? Let me explain.

I have four children. Although I love my children, and am very thankful for my ability to bear them, seven years of child-bearing is like a prego-weight roller coaster. "I have to get skinny fast so I can get pregnant again" seems to be the running theme. Always (at least for me) there was this utopia of eternal thinness just waiting at the end of the pregnant/nursing/losing/pregnant body cycle.

"Oh yes, body" I told myself, "as soon as that last child is born, you will be mine. I will lose all your fat, tone those forgotten muscles, and finally achieve that wonderland of 'ideal weight'. It will be so EASY," I continued in my delusional mind. "There will be absolutely nothing standing between us and all those skinny clothes we're waiting to wear."

Nothing but myself, anyway.

And my mother.

If you've been keeping up with me from my other blog, you'll know that I recently lost a little weight courtesy of my good friend Anxiety. This was very exciting, because for the first time since the birth of my last child (over two years ago) I finally hit that magic number on the scale. The number that technically proclaims me to be in my skinny-enough-to-wear-everything-in-my-closet zone. I say "technically" because it always takes my body a few weeks to accept the fact that something is missing. It's like those empty fat cells just hold their breath to keep themselves inflated and reserve room for the fat they hope will come squishing its way back in.

Lovely visual, don't you think?

But I swear that's what happens. Then, if I can manage to hold the fat-cell-siege long enough, they finally give up and go away - and the affects of my weight loss finally manage to show up. And that's when the new weight zone becomes official.

In other words - I JUST LOST THOSE BLASTED FOUR POUNDS LAST WEEK, THE SIEGE IS ON, AND I JUST MADE A MAJOR TACTICAL ERROR IN THE WAR ON FAT!!!! If this were an election, I'd have some serious explaining to do.

I suppose you're getting curious about my blunders - and how I'll manage to pin the responsibility on my mother. Well, here we go.

It started with the Ward Harvest Party. Surprisingly, I managed to get out of there without totally binging (which was completely uncharacteristic of me), but I did have several desserts, got saddled with some of the candy, and my mom sent half a cake home with me. (Her first offense).

Then on Saturday night I ran into Natalie (yes, the very same one who hosts this blog) at the grocery store twenty minutes before it closed, and she tempted me right into the ice cream aisle where Ben and Jerry's was on sale.

As we contemplated the virtues of their vast assortment of gourmet ice-cream, I realized it has been over a decade since I last tasted Ben and Jerry's. Is that not some kind of sacrilege? I fully intended to buy some then and there, smuggle it into the house and gorge myself on the whole thing - till I realized Dreyer's looked almost as good, and had only half the calories. Years of mental training is hard to overcome, and I was forced to choose the lesser of the two evils.

Conference Sunday. My mother's house. Scene of my mother's second offense, and the big breakdown.

"Eat breakfast before you come," she said, "because I thought we'd have waffles and swedish pancakes (i.e. really good crepe-like things with lots of butter, sugar, and other bad stuff smothered all over them) between sessions."

The warning signals were going off in my just-lost-those-critical-four-pounds brain, and I had momentary panic wondering if I could make it. "I'll just have a few bites of each," I confidently lied to myself. "It won't be any big deal. I'm strong."

Five swedish pancakes and three waffles later (that is ALL I'm willing to publicly claim), I began to feel sick. Then I went back in the kitchen just to make sure there was nothing left. I can be really pathetic when it comes to food.

Do you see the cycle here? Friday night: blow it, but determine to do better Saturday. Saturday: blow it, then buy evil ice-cream, and vow to repent on Sunday. Sunday - the waffle/swedish pancake blunder. Too sick Sunday night to make any vows or promises of any kind, and instead decide to deny Sunday ever even happened because it was so unbelievably pathetic.

In my defense, I think I did fairly well yesterday (Monday). At least I can't remember yesterday, so I either held steady, or blocked it out due to more personal failure.

And today?

I can't talk about it.

But I will say that it ended at my mother's house, and it involved some really good pork chops, and really rich, really creamy, REALLY bad-for-the-waistline chocolate mousse. This was her third offense! Can you see how my mother's responsible here? Can you see what she's doing to me??? Surely I can't be expected to stand firm against chocolate mousse???

And so, once again as the evening expires, and I'm facing the gastric consequences of multiple food-choices-not-conducive-to-winning-the-war-against-the-breath-holding-fat-cells, I am making a vow. Tomorrow is a new day. I will not fail. The fat cells will not win. Too many supplies have already broken through the lines. It's good-for-you-food, or nothing, and I refuse to give up any ground to my bathroom scale!

And I promise a victorious post before bedtime tomorrow night.

Until then - sleep well, eat well, and STARVE OUT THOSE STUPID LITTLE FAT CELLS!!!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Exhibit A

This is Exhibit A: (otherwise known as my butt)
Apparently, the forces aligned so that it happened to be in the headlights of my sons' quad while someone was holding the camcorder (I'm assuming they thought it was off since my rear end was on the screen for a good 8 minutes & was followed by several more minutes of shoes & concrete.)
Now, putting a picture of my spotlighted rump on the internet is a fairly bold move on my part, but I figured, "Hey, I just happen to have documentation... I might as well post it." My butt is one of the many obvious reasons that I am working towards losing weight. It used to fit into a pair of jeans 10 sizes smaller. I didn't just magically gain 10 sizes overnight. They kind of snuck up on me. When I noticed that my clothes were fitting a little snugger or had a "dressing room moment" when it hit me like a punch in the gut that I needed to get the next size up, I would simply think, It could be worse. At least it doesn't look like this:"
The reality is though, I can't let myself keep "inching" my way up size after size. I've let my easygoing, casual way of thinking carry over to my body and it's not any healthier than being anorexic is. When I realize (while watching the video of my son's birthday party) that my backside is the center of the camcorder's attention and I'm mortified not at the camera man's aim but at my lack of aim for health- I want my trim waistline & heart shaped hiney back! So... yeah, just throwing it out there. Thanks to whoever was holding the camera for this wake-up call! Even though it was painful.... *sigh*

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Jen's New Method - "Think Thin!"

You know how you lose some weight, but it takes awhile to show? I hate that. It's like those fat cells empty out, but then your skin has to shrink back in before the loss can be fully, and visibly appreciated. But yet, you still somehow have that "thin" feeling, even though the tape measure (that hangs in your shower for mornings your feeling either really optimistic or really desperate) shows that nothing - NO-THING - has changed. *#@*%!!

The good news? Today the scale dipped down to 140 1/2 pounds! Do you know what this means?? It means I'm only 1/2 a pound away from my just-skinny-enough-to-get-away-with-most-things-in-my-closet zone! Now if that tape measure would just reflect what the scale is saying... Preferably before I blow it (like tomorrow when I go to the fair and have to commune ALL DAY with the smells of beloved fair food. If you aren't aware of just how serious this challenge is for me, click here).

But I won't blow it. How can she be so sure? you're wondering. What makes her think that this time will be different than the last twenty times she hit 140 &1/2? (because I really have been there BRIEFLY about that many times this last year or two). Well, I'll tell you. Because of my new method. Yes, the very same one I mentioned before.

Ever since I first got thin, which was during my 2nd year of college (right after getting my fattest that first year, go figure), I have used the same basic method to lose/maintain my weight. And, I might add that it has been fairly successful for me. I currently weigh about three pounds more than I did when I got married (but that doesn't mean it LOOKS the same, just so you know. Things change, don't they? *sigh*). The new method, is really nothing more than a new and improved old method, so I'll start with that.

***FYI - The following is the plan to LOSE weight, which is quite different and more work than the plan to MAINTAIN weight. Just so you know***

1st. If losing weight has always meant gaining it back, start with maintenance. (Anyone wanting to hear about this plan needs to ask. I'm not really sure anyone's that interested in the losing plan as it is. I'm just bored and feel like blogging). No sense losing ten pounds if you haven't nailed down the holding steady thing. When you really think about it, it's like putting the cart before the horse. Maintenance is the key, as far as I'm concerned. This does mean using a scale regularly enough to find your current weight zone, which should have about a four pound range.

2nd. Figure yourself out. Doing this while focusing on maintaining works really well. What things are you absolutely not willing to give up? (Everyone needs some of these). What time of day are you most likely to blow it? What bad habits and indulgences ARE you willing to live without? If you can answer these questions, move on to number three.

3rd. No one ever lost an ounce without some deprivation. You will have to deprive yourself of some things you'd like to eat. But it doesn't have to be that painful - it just depends on how you go about it. Remember, I love food. And I have very little self-control. If I can do this, anyone can. Here we go:

Eliminate all the junk you don't want to be eating. Not from the plan, from your house. (I don't call them "diets" it sounds too clinical. And it's too restrictive. I'm a free spirit, and if you have a plan A and something goes wrong, there's always plan B, C, D, etc.). If the junk food isn't there you can't be tempted. Find snacks that don't tempt you for the kiddies.

Plan your eating amounts/times around whenever it is you're likely to want to gorge yourself. (Nice to pretend most of us don't do the "gorge" thing, but really, I think most of us do). For instance, I can get through the day on very little. Then dinner comes. So I make it a point to save up for dinner. Same goes for eating out, special treats you need to eat (because these can be a real need), parties, potlucks, and fairs. If you fit into the non-gorging-but-constantly-grazing category, you need to deal with that accordingly. Set some eating time rules you can live with, and stick to them.

Provide go-to foods that will taste good to you, satisfy your cravings, and provide real eating enjoyment. Oh, and that are healthy and not on the bad list. My biggie is popcorn, and everyone who knows Annie knows hers is salami. And you need more than one. And they need to be on hand. And let me re-stress that they must provide actual enjoyment. You should look forward to eating them. That's what makes it worthwhile to give up that list of no-no foods. I mean really - who wants to spend every day eating nothing that they really like? Oh, and some of these go-to foods need to fit in the sweet-treat category. One of my favs, diet soda over Dreyer's Slow Churned, sugar free ice cream. Just two small scoops. With popcorn on the side, washed down with the left over soda. There are times when thoughts of this nighttime snack are what got me past the day's temptations. I have tons of go-to foods, just so you know. That way I'm never at a loss.

4th. Pick some things that you can always and forever live without. Except for every now and then. Like a few times a year. A couple of mine are sour cream (which I do really like, but I can be pretty happy without) and fast food hamburgers. Look at all your food critically. "Do I really need that?" if so, "How can I make it more thin-friendly?" Sometimes remembering what you ate yesterday, or want to eat tomorrow helps make tough decisions a little easier.

These are the basic elements of my original method. I know it looks like every day is spent focusing on food, but really that's not the case at all. Eating is a mental game, and you have to play it right if you want to win. Too many people view food as the enemy that makes them fat, and stress over what they can't eat. This is like plan-suicide! You're bound to fail. It wasn't until recently that I realized how much my mental view of food has helped me maintain my weight, but now I can see it is probably the most critical element of them all.

I don't ever think of food as the enemy - how could I ever demonize something I love so much??!! I just think of some foods as allowing me to eat others. Whether it's because I did or did not eat them. If you really think about it, we have to eat something, so food is just as responsible for making us thin as it is for making us fat. I always identify "good" foods as foods that are making me skinny. Never actually been what I'd call skinny, but you know what I mean. Skinny enough to be satisfied. I never pass up something good, or settle for something "healthy" without feeling proud of myself and telling myself that it's worth it.

It's a concentration of this mental attitude that makes up my new method. It is a proven thing that if your brain believes you are fat/can't lose weight, it will do whatever is possible to keep you in harmony with your mental reality. You eat something naughty and think "Great. Now I did it. I'll probably gain two pounds by tomorrow," and guess what. Your brain easily arranges for that to happen. Mr. Brain isn't in to messing with your mental reality. YOU have to change that.

And so, the culmination of the new method is this: Love yourself, love your body, and think only happy, positive thoughts about that person you know you are inside - that thin one who weighs whatever it is you'd like to weigh. Annie is the one who made me actually get serious about this idea. I'd tried to do it, but kept forgetting to follow through with the actual self-talk. But now? I speak the words in the mirror. I am a 135 pound person baby! Those last five pounds are melting away! Funny thing is - it's working.

So the new step number one, is to look in the mirror as often as possible and see the reality you're looking for. Tell yourself you look great, and are moving towards your goal, and don't even entertain a doubt that it's going to happen. No if's, only when's. Believe me, Mr. Brain can arrange to make all your wildest thin-dreams come true. After all, you ARE in control of your body!

Friday, August 29, 2008

Jen Weighs In

Hey Natalie! Thanks for inviting me to post on your blog. I could just call you and find out exactly what you want from me - but wouldn't that be too easy? Instead, I'll just post something and find out later if it's what you were looking for. Is that bad?

Anyway, here we go.

First off, I need to come clean right now. No matter how skinny I get I will never look good in skinny pants. That is, if by skinny you're referring to the "skinny jeans" otherwise known as "tight, stretchy, tapered jeans." I know I have skinny legs. Everyone knows I have skinny legs. All skinny pants do to me is showcase the non-skinny-ness of the part above my skinny legs. Yes, I also know that on me this not-so-skinny part isn't that not-skinny. (Is the word skinny beginning to look strange to anyone else? And is anyone else getting confused by this?)

What I'm trying to say is this. Everyone has their bad spot. Mine is my mid-section. It isn't too bad - in fact, it's pretty easily camouflaged by the right clothes. This doesn't mean I wouldn't be totally exposed in the wrong clothes - like skinny jeans. I swear that even if I ever lose this last seven pounds (which I will because of my new "method") skinny jeans will always make me look like a carrot with a flat butt. I hate skinny jeans.

On another note entirely, I lost three of those stupid four pounds this week! You're thinking: Four? I thought she said she had seven? Let me clarify. I have zones. Right now I'm in my just-a-little-too-much-to-effectively-hide zone, i.e. 142-146 lbs. (Are we supposed to use numbers here? Because I just did. Maybe I should have made that call? What the heck. Now you all know my weight, oh well.) The four pound mark will put me into the 140-144 lb just-skinny-enough-to-get-away-with-most-of-the-clothes-in-my-closet zone. I have been shooting for this stupid zone since the birth of my fourth child two years ago. There have been some brief forays. They were too brief. Probably because of my love affair with food. Regardless of this, I have continued to buy clothing compatible only with this zone. You think I'd learn eventually.

Anyhow, back to my zones (if there is anyone still reading this post). The elusive seven pound goal (which was a ten pound goal until this morning) puts me into the I-can-wear-whatever-the-heck-I-want, and the haven't-been-there-since-before-child-number-three zone. Can I just say I am on my way? Thanks to my new method? I'd write about it now, but I fear this rambling, random post is already long enough.

Thanks again for the invite Natalie! (And I hope you aren't regretting that decision...)

Brutal Honesty

Welcome! Welcome! I plan on using this sight to publically track my weight loss journey. It will probably be rather boring to everyone but me. Who really wants to know what I ate for breakfast, you know? I need the accountability though. I found this neat diet & exercise journal online and am going to HONESTLY type in every little thing that I eat and every bit of exercise (or lack thereof.) I think it's so cool to be able to visually see my calories consumed / calories burned graphed out. And yes, if I screw up and eat a pint of Ben & Jerry's I WILL be putting that on here too and you can feel free to beat me up about it. I'd also like to keep this blog open so anyone can post their healthy recipes / favorite workouts, etc. It's not ALL about me. I'd love to hear about other people's successes & struggles (and secrets if you're willing to share them. ;-)